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D, the True Scarlet Letter

D, the True Scarlet LetterHuffington Post blogger Jennifer Nagy brought up an interesting topic recently: Divorce is seen as a major shortcoming, and it’s high time someone asked why. When people marry there is a big hullabaloo and congratulations are given; but when people divorce we cough uncomfortably and try to look the other way. This reaction would be courteous if it was meant to allow the person to grieve and heal in peace.

But this is what the reaction stems from most of the time: The divorcee’s marriage has failed, and it is difficult to associate with a failure.

Relationships Are Not To Do Lists

When people throw around terms like “failed marriages” I want to retort, “Well slow down, slugger.” Marriage is not a task, it’s a journey. You don’t succeed or fail in a journey because it’s constantly moving, changing course, and never ending. Relationships are journeys, not tasks to be finished and filed in the “Completed” file.

Marriages can end, I am not denying that. But can we please keep such charged, negative language out of the picture when we talk about a marriage ending? Because when we refer to marriages that end in divorce as “failed,” we are indirectly saying the spouses are failures.

Is Marriage the Ultimate Goal?

Marriage is a special relationship. We are proponents of cherishing marriage and not entering into marriage lightly. However, just because a person chooses to get a divorce does not mean they do not cherish or respect the union of marriage. If anything, a divorcee cherishes marriage more because are not settling for anything less than the best in their marriage.

But if a divorce equates failure, regardless of the causes of divorce, that makes any marriage the end-all, beat-all goal. If you stay married, even if you don’t like or love your spouse, you win. Through this perspective, the quality of the marriage is an insignificant little detail. The spouses of such a marriage could be abusive, unfaithful, uncommitted, and/or disconnected, but as long as they remain legally bound in marriage the relationship is a success. I ask you, is that really the kind of marriage anyone wants? I hope not.

A Dose of Reality

According to an infographic created about divorce earlier this year, in spite of the 50% divorce rate, 2 out of 3 people are scared of divorce. The average first marriage lasts at least 8 years, and the leading cause of divorce is lack of communication.

What all of this information indicates to me is our society understands the sanctity of marriage perfectly well. A good chunk of people have real concerns about what happens if the marriage does not work, and those brave souls that enter into marriage work on the marriage for an average of 8 years before signing divorce papers. Additionally, people recognize their divorce ended due to a flaw in the marriage’s foundation: communication.

It’s understandable that the topic of divorce makes people uneasy. Divorce is the death of a relationship, and it’s common to feel inadequate in consoling a grieving person. But can we leave words like failure out of the mix? It demeans divorcees and creates a hierarchy in our society based on marital status. If society really believes divorce shames and defiles a person, we should cut to the chase and start making scarlet D’s for divorcees to put on all their clothes.


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