Although it may seem like narcissistic people run rampant in the world today, a true narcissist–one that fits the description in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders under “narcissistic personality disorder”–is more of a rarity. Thankfully so, because they take selfishness and lack of compassion to a whole new level.
Narcissists literally have a hard time feeling compassion for other humans because, to them, other people solely exist to serve their individual goals and purposes. The real nightmare occurs if you end up unknowingly letting a narcissist enter your life as far as they can, by marrying one. Unfortunately for the other spouse, there’s no box on divorce forms to check off titled, “I married a narcissist,” when filing for an contested or uncontested divorce, a likely outcome of the union.
Fake It Until You Make It
The tricky thing about narcissists is how they can be world-class actors. You might wonder how someone could ever agree to marry a narcissist. How could they really not know who they are beforehand?
In her article, “Lack of Empathy: The Most Telling Narcissistic Trait,” Randi Kreger quotes a narcissist’s spouse who became quite familiar with their partner’s fake empathy: “I think that faux empathy stems from a number of things. A need to fit in, socially–to appear like a feeling, caring person is certainly one of them. In some cases, it’s probably an acquired social skill, albeit a superficial one…In other cases, it’s a means to getting what you want from people.”
Getting what they want from people is enough to motivate them to train themselves in the art of appearing empathetic and socially acceptable. Narcissists know they need to put up a front to get people close. Once that happens, the veil falls more and more frequently, revealing the real motivations driving their once covered up self-centered behavior.
Humans as Tools
Behind the veil is someone who has a handicapped ability for empathy, to feel, imagine, and care about what another person is feeling or going through. To the narcissist, this lack of empathic ability means that the feelings of others don’t matter at all, unless it means not getting what the narcissist wants, hence their ability to fake it. What matters is what a person can do for the narcissist, so they become an object in their eyes, instead of a human being.
As a narcissist admits himself within the article, “People are tools to be used to get what I want. No one cares what a hammer or nail thinks, nor do we even notice anything unique about them unless they don’t work right.”
Escaping a Narcissist’s Grip
The tricky thing about being married to a narcissist is letting go of the person you thought you had married. Love is a powerful force, even if it is unhealthy love. Narcissists may draw in people who are more passive and compliant, who easily fall into the trap and feel unable to escape. Although a divorce process involving a narcissist may seem difficult, what would be even more detrimental is staying with someone who doesn’t love you, but loves only what you can do for them.
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