In a recent piece for Huffington Post, Abby Rodman looked at the six things that your couples therapist already knows about your relationship. While each of the points she delineates among couples who are trying to avoid divorce papers is worth a read, this one stood out to us:
“We know you’re like your parents. … Yep, we all are. Relationship dysfunction has a way of being passed down through the generations and it’s the gift that keeps on giving. So, if you saw your parents abuse substances, have affairs or keep secrets, there’s a greater chance you will, too. The good news is it’s not always egregious behaviors that are copied. But your prototype for marriage is set in your childhood psyche by observing the adults in your life. This doesn’t mean you’re doomed to the mistakes of your caretakers but there’s work to be done. … Be prepared for us to enlighten you as to where some of your less-than-desirable behaviors in the marriage are coming from.”
Yes, as much as we may not wish to turn out like Mom and Dad, there is always a good chance that we will. It starts in the cradle and leaks in to our first signs of awareness. Parents are our closest models to what relationships should be about, and if yours have been through the divorce forms, and you were there to see it, then it’s likely you will as well.
But if some of those outcomes are less than desirable, how do you avoid it? Here are a few steps:
1. Be aware of the likelihood. Too often, people think, “I’ll never be like my parents.” They think they’re above it and believe the statistics to be a lot of nonsense. It’s not until they’re repeating the same mistakes that they find out differently. Awareness goes a long way toward prevention.
2. Know what you’re trying to avoid. Before you can notice the patterns in your own life, you need to notice them in the lives of your parents. What did they do right? What did they do wrong? How did these actions and behaviors influence you?
3. Live with awareness. It’s always the people who can stop themselves in the moment and say, “You know, I’m reminding myself of Mom,” who are most likely to avoid turning out the same way. Be aware of what you say, what you do, who you date, and other decisions you make.
If you and your spouse need help with an uncontested divorce, check out the options we have at iDivorceForms.com, and good luck as you move forward.
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