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Getting a divorce will color your perceptions in ways that friends and family unfamiliar with the experience may never fully understand. I have “been there and done done that” unlike other people around me. Divorce is such a rarity among my parents, siblings, and circle of friends, even though it’s pretty much the next thing society thinks of when its members hear the word “marriage.” Having experienced this in a vacuum (seemingly), I’ve found that the memory of it attunes me to certain things about marriage in general that those who haven’t experienced it don’t realize.

1. Marriage isn’t bulletproof.

A friend of mine was recently having a tiff with his wife. When I discussed it with my wife, who’s only been married once (to me), I pre-cursored the talk by saying, “I don’t think they’re in danger of divorce or anything but…” She cut me off right there. “I never would have thought they were in danger.” As someone who once thought the way that she does, I could see how the slowly building animosity between my friend and his wife could take them down that road. People who haven’t had a divorce themselves (and who don’t know a friend or family member with a similar problem) never think it can happen to them, but it does every day.

2. It is possible to not take someone for granted. 

In my first marriage, I was very young and had already started to take my situation for granted after a couple of years. While that did not excuse my ex’s infidelity, I have always felt like it contributed to it. When I met my wife today, I made a vow to myself to never take our relationship for granted. We are now well past the honeymoon stage, and I am thankful every day for her. Not having her there to complete mine and our daughter’s happiness would be awful and I don’t like to think about it. And even though there’s no danger of that in my mind, the hypothetical is still intense enough that I try to do something for her every day to show how loved and appreciated she is. Divorce taught me that. Meanwhile, I have family members, who’ve been married two decades and look for reasons to spend time away from one another. Call it a rut or call it them being sick of each other. They’ve never been close to divorce, and they’re numb to the issues that cause it.

What are some things that divorce has taught you — or is teaching you — that people close to you who’ve never been there and done it don’t seem to understand? Sound off in the comments section.


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