In a recent Q&A, Annie Fox, M.Ed., a teen and family adviser, award-winning author, and writer of the new book Teaching Kids to Be Good People, fielded a question from one concerned mom, who had finalized divorce papers and since moved on to a new relationship. Her question: “How do I help my boyfriend build a healthy relationship with my son?”
The Problem
The woman’s fiancé (with no kids of his own) had built a decent relationship with her 10-year-old son, but sometimes wanted the child to do more with him, and for the trio to do more as a family. However, according to the woman, her fiancé “only wants to do what he’s interested in, and shows no interest doing things that interest a 10-year-old.”
“Of course my son doesn’t want to sit and watch the news! But my fiancé gets upset,” the woman explained. “Another time, my fiancé wanted to bond with my son by fixing a car. Fine, but then my son’s friend came over with his bike and asked him to play — my son wanted to go. I thought it was perfectly fine (as a 10-year-old, I would have done the same) but my fiancé was very hurt. This is a constant issue between us.”
Fox’s Advice
Fox rightly pointed out that the issue is not the son and added that “You and I know how 10-year-olds act and what’s important to them, but your fiancé doesn’t. He needs to be educated so his relationship with your son will flourish.”
How should that education occur?
“Your fiancé needs to be reminded (gently and privately) that he is marrying you and your son,” Fox said. “Do not argue with him in front of your son. Instead, help him understand how important it is for him to become more flexible and patient when dealing with your child.”
Fox continued: “This isn’t to say that your son is king and gets to make all the decisions about what you do, but the boy is old enough to have his perspective taken into consideration. Show him courtesy and respect and then, when he hits the teen years, he’s more likely to be respectful to his parents.”
This is advice that biological parents could often learn from. Instead of allowing grievances to unfold in the child’s world, more people should take things behind closed doors where they can have rational conversations about the issues that can arise from their children getting older. If more took this approach, everyone would be better off!
If you’re about to take on an uncontested divorce, let us help you. Our online divorce service is capable of preparing and compiling paperwork so the process goes smoothly for you and your child. Best of luck as you prepare for this new chapter of life!
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