One of the rarest constructs of mankind is the near-myth of the “smooth divorce.” Even when it’s as simple as filling out online divorce forms and pushing ahead with zero dispute, there is usually pain on one or both sides when a marriage ends. Some scars can take years to heal, especially when you weren’t the one wanting out. That’s why it is important to do more than simply examine oneself.
You must set a voyage for self-discovery. A recent article in the Santa Cruz Sentinel noted that being rejected by one you desire is often “profoundly devastating” and “causes emotional pain, fear and uncertainty about one’s lovability and worth.”
Writer Offra Gerstein continued: “The harrowing quest for an explanation is an additional emotionally destabilizing process.”
The full article is certainly worth a read-through, but it set us to thinking: how do you reestablish your self-worth in the event that your spouse rejects you? The steps aren’t always easy to follow, but they can affect positive change in your life.
1. Eliminate These Words From Your Vocabulary: ‘What Is Wrong With Me?’
Soul Mates author Thomas Moore writes that this question is one of the most common thoughts to pop into one’s mind after being divorced by a spouse. But, Moore advises, the question should instead be, “Why is it that my heart moves in directions different than my intentions?” When you can understand your spouse and your own contributions to the demise of a marriage, you’ll stop blaming yourself and start making worthwhile assessments that lead to lasting improvements.
2. Find Something Else To Be Passionate About — And No, It Can’t Be Another Person.
At least, it can’t be another person right away. The last thing you should be doing is jumping from one serious relationship to the next without taking any time to learn from the failures of the last. Many people pour themselves into their work following a divorce, and that’s commendable provided the job is a source of pride and passion. There is a fine line, however, between truly being passionate and forgetting to take time for yourself. And this is about building a new and better you, not damming useful emotions, which can help you heal. If you’re proud of the work you do, then good for you. You’re on your way to rediscovering your worth as a person.
3. Be Mindful Of Your Growth In Future Relationships
It goes back to assessing your part in the divorce. There is a big difference between taking ownership of your weaknesses and admitting that the divorce was your fault. No one is perfect, and just because you were rejected by a desired mate, that doesn’t necessarily mean you did something rejection-worthy. But you should still use what you’ve learned as a chance for growth. Try to identify where you may have gone wrong, and work to correct it when you get back out there.
Don’t let the divorce papers ruin your value as a person. Follow these steps, and you’ll be well on your way to a healthy future.